HE.HIM.

-- 100 Sorrys (Singapore English Version, Translated by Ferdinand Lim) --

Today is our Mid year Exams, school ended a little earlier, so I decided to call him.

:Hi, I am off early today, want to come and fetch me home?

:okok, wait for me for about 5 mins.

:5mins? Okay. I'll be at the side gate.

:Ok. Cos I have to dress up abit mah.

:Ok luh, faster abit k?

:ok.

It's 2pm, the sun is so strong that my nose feels like it is going to bleed soon. Standing under a tree, using my hands to fan myself. Although it isn't really helping, but at least it's better than nothing.

5 mins passed and he is not even visible anywhere. Looking at my watch, I get a little impatient. 10 mins passed, still no sign of him.

:Could he have forgotten about me and not coming?

15mins later, finally he is here.

:Why so slow?

He looks like he doesn't really seem to care much and said: nothing luh. Watching TV

:What?!? Watch TV? Why not you just sleep awhile, and have your lunch then come?

I didn't say anything, didn't put on the helmet, and didn't get on the bike, staring hard at him.

:Sorry

This is the FIRST time he said sorry. He doesn't say sorry at all to anyone. He is to proud to say that. But he said that to me. Looking a little shock, I accepted the apology and got on the bike home.

He is always like that. Doesn't explain, doesn't argue, doesn't quarrel, just say "Sorry" all the time. Somethings can't be covered up with just "Sorry", but since he apologised, I accepted it. He said, I am the first that he EVER said sorry to.

Owning up to your mistakes takes a great deal of courage, but he NEVER improved, saying Sorry becomes like a way to avoid everything.

When he actually said sorry for the 59th time, I teared, lowered my head and said: You don't say sorry to me. If you CANNOT CHANGE, don't come and say sorry again and again, and expect me to forgive you, thinking that you will change!

He hugged me gently and said the 60th time: I am Sorry

Despite of this, he have never ever changed, never explained. I start to suspect if he is even serious about me, that he have anything hiding from me.

:What is wrong with you lately?

:Nothing luh.

:Then why are you always so down?

:No luh. Where got?

:No again? Other than no and nothing, what else can you say? Do you even know how worried I am about you? How insecure I am with you? Have you EVER treat me as you girlfriend?

:I... am.. Sorry

:I DON'T WANT ANOTHER SORRY!

I hang up the call. He never call back either. He doesn't even care! Maybe we should end this relationship... ... This is the 99th time he said SORRY!

That day on, I never called him. He never called me either. Sometimes, I will receive some weird, silent call, and I will just "Hello Hello" for a few times and hang up. Somehow, I have a feeling it's him. But why isn't he talking?!?

A month passed, I couldn't resist it anymore and went to his school to look for him. Looking into his classroom, searching for him, but there is no sign of him. I then grab a classmate of his and ask.

:Hey, have you seen Meng Wei? Is he here today?

:He dropped out.

:HUH?!? WHY?!?! WHEN WAS THAT?

:About a month ago.

:OH~ Thanks. A month. ONE MONTH! WHERE COULD HE BE?!

I walked home, lifelessly, banging into everything and everyone around me. My life seems to have ended! I decided to call him: Please leave a message after the tone...

I hang up and called his house instead. It rang for what seems to be ages. How come no one is answering? He migrated? Moved house? He seemed to have vanished into thin air without a trace!

Could he have found a new love? My mind start to wander. I can't find him!

While my mind is in a mess, my phone rang. It's from Ah Li~ He is Meng Wei's best friend.

:Hey, what are you doing?

:Huh?

:Ah Wei is in the hospital!

:REALLY?!?! WHAT HAPPENED?

:Nothing much luhh. He is at SGH, the one you stayed that time.

:OK!! I'll cab down now!

Almost immediately, I rush down to the hospital at a speed I have NEVER EVER rushed. At the hospital, I saw her family. I greeted them and asked which ward is he in and rushed there.

He is lying on the bed, eyes staring at me. He said nothing. Neither did he got out of the bed.

:OI! What happened to you? Why didn't you inform me?!?

He didn't answer. He just keeps on staring at me with the same expression.

:ANSWER ME!!! WHY AIN'T YOU TALKING?

He teared, and seemed to use a lot of strength just to say

:I... AM.... S..Sorry~

After he finished, his eyes closed.

:OI!!! STOP PLAYING!! STOP ACTING!! WHY SORRY?!!? TELL ME!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?! WHY SORRY!?!? ANSWER ME!! OII!!!!

I cried beside his bed, holding his shirt and shouted

:WHY SORRY? YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING TO CONVINCE ME!! I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU THIS TIME!! YOU WAKE UP NOW!! SORRY NO CURE!! I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU UNLESS YOU EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON!!... please... wake.. up... .. please~

This... is his 100th Sorry. At this moment, a group of nurses are pulling me away, trying to save him. My whole body is so weak. I can't even stand. My mind went totally blank. Everything is... just too sudden...

But... He never left this world. He just lived in my heart. Occassionally, he appears in my dream, telling me how has he been. He will smile at me, calling my name, and calling me dear. Just.. no more Sorries. Never again.

A few months later, his mum called me and asked to meet me to pass me a box. In the box, I found 100 pictures. On every piece of picture, writes all the things he is angry with.

First picture:

Sorry dear, I didn't mean to be late. I know my reason is lousy, so I didn't tell you. I went out of the door and my heart start to ache.. I already tried to rush.. Forgive me dear?

Second Picture:

Sorry dear, I... ... ...

Third Picture:

Sorry dear, I.... .. ...

...

One Hundredth Picture:

Dear, I never intended to leave you. But God just don't wanna give me this one chance to love you forever, to put on the ring for you. But you are the first girl I have EVER said sorry to, and also the first girl I ever wanna spend my life forever with. Forgive me for not being able to take care of you forever. I will become your guardian angel, to love you, to watch over you, and to bless you with all the happiness and love. Promise me never to cry. I don't want to see you like this. Smile alright? Your dear, Meng Wei. I love you! Bye

How could I have not cried? Your request is too crazy. The last picture is taken in the hospital, with his wonderful smile. He looked so skinny, face so pale, but he still tried to smile for this 100th photo.

At his weakest point of life, I am not with him. Sorry dear~ I hugged the picture, cried all my hearts out.

To all those lovers in this world: Do not take for granted of those love ones around you, and regret only when you start to lose them... I really don't want to see another Sad Story arising. May all the couples in this world have all the happiness in the world! <3

Back to blogging.. tot i wont be doing this cos I am in NS now... But yea... Decided to blog today cos something happened..

Whole day I slack at home, then i also called and talk to my Laopo... Its her bday today... HAPPY BDAY LAOPO!! <3

Ok, to clear the air, my laopo is my gan laopo.. NOT GF!! Dun anyhow...

Alot of times, though I actually wished those girls I like is my GF, but ya, they aint... so ya... Accept this fact for me k?

Saw Shifu just now while on the phone with laopo and cycling... She was shock to see me.. Think cos I look damn different.. But think, more of didnt expect me to see her? I dunno.. Somehow, I think she is avoiding me.. Tagged her blog only reply "oO" to me, sms no reply, call no answer (though she seldom answer unless we are meeting), MSN ALSO NO REPLY.. To me, I assume its ignoring.. Though just now I waved at her, she waved back luhh.. At least not so dao....

I REALLY MISS SHIFU... Thank God for allowing me to see her...

Most people in my God Family is IMPORTANT to me, but yet, they don't think I am as important... They just start to ignore me and disown me like its such an easy thing to do... Well, it is... But the fact that me not even WORTH A THING makes me damn sad..

I cried alot of times when people leave my God Family... And I did cry for my Gan NuEr (goddaughter) and my shifu... I really dun wan lose them... I really dun want them to leave my circle of friends.. They are important people.. I dont understand.. We were so close last time, why everything change in just a flick of a finger?

Why do people change hearts so easily? Why do people treat friends like JUNK? Friends are people u spend ur life with... Though its mostly ever changing, and that people always believe there is NO FOREVER FRIENDS, but I personally think that we should all take the effort to treasure EVERY FRIEND we have... Because they are those who made ur life colourful.. They are those that surround you, cheer u up, have fun with u etc...

Its not about much much money or time spent on them that I am sad about, but it is seriously the memories that will never fade... They are, as far as I have lived, still fresh in my mind... They are those people that I wanna spend my life having fun with... And I mean having fun... I dont wanna just lose friends like that....

You can say that I am a weakling, and the world has so many people, why must I feel sad about one person leaving? But to me, EVERYONE MATTERS... Losing a friend is like losing the world..

As what a popular saying says: You might be one person in the world to you, but to that person you are the world! And I am serious... Being with different friends, I am living in a different world.. I act differently, speak differently, play differently, treat them differently.. They are all different worlds to me... To me, they are a world of a whole new fun~

So why? Why do the closest people around me leave me just like that? Do I not worth even a single shit to them?

I am not trying to be emo here, but I just wanna say, EVERYONE OF YOU READING THIS MATTERS!! You are my friend, and you are my world.. You are the dearest person I ever had..

Shifu, if you reading this, I really hope to be close to u again.. Cos you are the bestest best girl-friend I had... There is ABSOLUTELY NO GIRL that can replace you as my shifu.. Cos you are more lame than me, cos you are cute, cos you are the one and only RINKO in this world! Though you are not my girlfriend, and most probably won't agree to be mine, but you ARE the BEST GIRL-FRIEND I EVER HAD.. The closest and the one that I trust and love... I really hope we can be like last time...

I dun wanna lose anymore friends, especially close ones like shifu... Its bad enough my love life is sucky, I dun wan my friendship to end up the same...

---

Now I actually understands why so many people prefer not to be loyal... Cos its so hard.. So hard to let go when the other party isn't... This includes Friends, BGR, etc... I just wan a bunch of friends that I can be super close to... But people just keep leaving me like I am a worthless piece of shit..

I don't need love... I just want loyal friends, and I am satisfied..