I dont wanna take anymore hints! Cos I just cant take it le! I always get the wrong hints, get the wrong idea, and fall in love with the wrong people! I am afraid to get into another endless hole!

I just feel freaking empty now. Cos I just cant get myself back up, to fall in love again~

Why am I confused? Hmms... Kinda cos of 3 ppl...

Alot of things happened yesterday (Sat) and the day before (Fri).

On Thurs, Rinko smsed me. Somehow, i was freaking happy. Very excited. Very looking forward to that outing! Its been about more than a month since we met. And its one of the few times she actually initiated by asking if I am free. I am the usual one to ask. In the end, though it was cancelled, I wasn't angry. I am not pissed or sad. I don't blame her. She just can't throw her sis one side and go out with me. Her mum isn't at home and her sis is left alone for dinner. I know she won't bear to leave her family like that. So, I don't blame her. Just kinda disappointed. I really hoped we could meet. Afterall, it was so coincidental that she asked me out, when I took leave long before she asked me! Perhaps Fate? Nahh... I don't believe le..

So that's my Friday. Saturday, in the morning, Jervine smsed me say its cancelled. Our usual Para Session. The one and only time a week I get to go out with the Clique. With Alex, Jervine, Dorothy, and some of Jervine's friends. Kinda sad, cos I've got double PS-ed. Xi Guan jiu hao bahh. I always get PS-ed. Kinda used to it, though I'll get a little disappointed.

In the afternoon, Alex called to ask if I am going. I didn't know they r going already, so I rejected by saying I am tired and lazy. But jervine smsed me asking why I not going. So I called Alex, and found that all of them going, including Dorothy, whom said that she can't go cos of her dad etc... Was kinda delighted to recieve such news though. So I quickly got a few clothes and rushed out of the house. Went back a few times cos I kept missing some things. Wore a "Yo!"-like attire.. Its SO YO! luh! Like macham I gonna do a hiphop at Marina lidat! LOL! So Paisehh, so many ppl look at me sia! I KNOW I VERY SHUAI, but no need stare till lidat mahh.. jkjk.. HAHA!! BHB~

So we met. Jervine said she gotta meet her bf later, cos they quarrelled the night before, and so she is going to 'patch up' with him. Dunno luhh.. Something lidat de.. So we para-ed.. In the end, she is late.. We chat abit, and she decided not to go.. =.=

But then, Alex already left, cos he was damn 'jealous' that jervine buying present for her bf, for his birthday today. Left me, Jervine and Jervine's godbro. Dorothy actually wan come, but we were planning to 'go home' le.. So asked her no need come le.. So she didnt come.. In the end, till 10+, we still at Marina.. Went to esplanade to 'emo'. Some of us only.. Can say, is me, and Jervine more bahh.. Maybe Alex also.. Jervine cried.. Though she STRONGLY DENIED IT! Shhhh... Dun say hor! I wanted to cry also luhh... But I cant find a reason to cry.. Just felt damn confused..

Somehow, when I was telling Jervine those things, I kinda thought I like her!! AGAIN! But nahh.. Now to confirm, I think I just take her as a sister, and really cared alot for her.. I did something wrong.. That is to comfort her.. It should be Alex's Job.. When she cried, Alex was first to noticed and rushed to the toilet to get toilet paper, while I saw later and put my hand over to comfort her.. WRONG MOVE BRO!! Should have left her alone.. Wait till Alex come by.. Can see Alex really wanna do it, but cos I am already comforting her, he Lan Lan just sit and watch, and pass her the Tissue Papers. ALSO, I SEE ONE VERY CUTE THING I SHOULDN'T SEE!!! Alex tried to grab Jervine's hand when dashing across the road! (Cos we were jaywalking) HAHAHA!!! SO CUTE!! In the end never grab until luhh... Saw the hand like wanna grab but ant find lidat! HAHA!! >.<

Lastly, before everything ended, I replied to Dorothy's msgs. And she said things that like... If I still take hints, I SURELY FALL INTO THAT ENDLESS HOLE AGAIN!

Lemme try recall:
D = Dorothy
F = ME!!

D: Nite too :) Bytw anything happen just now?
F: what thing?
D: like something bad happen like that. no rite?
F: wad u mean? nth much ba.. except somebody super disappointed that u nt here.... haha... jkjk
D: lol. who siah? i sick but when i going then u all go home liao. nverm next time lah. :) really nth happen?
F: ME!! Aiyahh, u sick then rest at home mahh.. Anyways, we never go back, still at marina (cant rmb, something lidat de bahh - lost the msg)
D: lol! then tell me mahh! then I can u turn back again
F: No luhh.. by the time we decided not goin back, already 8+ le.. You got curfew de mahh.. Cant too late also..
D: u all uh. next time bah. :) some more i'm broke this yr! next yr i'm going to be leaded :) hahaha.
[more behind - not typing out]

If I still take hints, when I see that she say she will u turn and come to Marina, just after I said its ME that is super disappointed that she not there, I SURE will fall in again!

HAHA!!! Got 1 is super obvious, which is the last person I mentioned. But got 2 more whom I mentioned earlier, who made me so confused!

But whatever it is, I won't go into another relationship till I am ready. Till I get over these. Till I learn to love again. Perhaps I needa change for myself. Perhaps I should wait till after I fulfilled my dreams, and perhaps become successful! All the perhaps.. No one knows for sure about the future! All I can say is, I ain't giving up on any possible Destinied Girl! The time will come, to a day when I am ready to recieve this precious gift from God! This special girl, who is made just for me on this earth!

*I won't take anymore hints, I only take direct answers! And since girls usually ain't so direct, my chances will be slim. But whatever it is, life have to go on! I MUST LIVE MY DREAMS!! JIAYOU! FERDY!

Yesterday, I was surprised by an sms. For 4 years that I knew her, she hardly initiate our outings. Most of the time, I'll sms her on Thursdays or Wednesdays to ask if she is free on Friday. This time, she messaged me to ask if I wanna meet TODAY! And guess what? I took off today on Monday. It was a planned off, but not planned for her. Accuracy or Fate? Or is it plainly coincidence? HAHA!!

After some chatting, she said she can't confirm yet, cos her mum won't b home and she dun wanna leave her sis at home alone etc..

So, I asked God. Is this s hint? Should I continue to wait silently, or just give up totally? I really wanna give up, but I am afraid miracles come the wrong time etc..

THEN, I had this dream last night. I dreamt that we celebrated birthday. We were so close on my birthday I was so happy.. We planned to meet the next day.. There were other ppl involved in this dream but i cant rmb who.. The next day, she totally ps-ed us.. She didn't came.. I called her and heard someone else in the phone.. A guy..

I kinda scolded her (i think?)... She then got damn pissed off and scolded me back... Then on, whenever i saw her, she would give me attitude and scold me again.. And guess what.. In this dream, cos its a dream, I seem to meet her EVERYWHERE I GO.. Though in real life, I only met her coincidentally like less than 5 times on the road.. We stay so near yet seldom have this fate to meet...

Then I was running around a building, in and out of connected room (dont ask me why, cos this part dun make sense... I think I am running away from her)... Then I saw a friend, and he treated me to canteen food... I saw my PRIMARY SCHOOL STALL HOLDERS IN THIS CANTEEN! And he treated me a special kind of Milo.. Its like weird.. And I woke up..

My face were so.. err... just like I cried before lidat.. Did I cry in my dreams?!? IDK...

Somebody tell me.. What does this dream mean? Dreams usually dont make so much sense, as in can't be told as a story... I don't usually remember so much about my own dream.. I asked God for an answer (not hint anymore cos i can't take it le), and I got this dream.. I feel damn sad in the dream...


*Mood: Feel like crying.. Don't feel like going out with anyone, but alone.. Probably to cry and scream or wad..

I am now cycling outside.. Now sitting at the same pavilion as I sat 2 years back.. Remember we were eating shark fin soup we bought from the interchange..

Looking at the playground reminds me of another time when u didn't wanna be home early, so we sat on the playground and talk, abt ur ex, john, and ur bestie..

Now the playground renovated, memories r gone, but they still remains in my mind.. They seems so close, yet it's 2 years ago..

Why am I still living in the past? Why am I still so deeply in love with u? Why do I still think about all these? Is it just a habit that we used to meet every Friday? Or is it that I am really so deeply in love with u?

My army friends says that u look more like my gf than just a good friend I had when they somehow saw our old pictures.. I am happy.. Is this the feeling of happiness when the world thinks we r together even if we ain't?

Looking at those same Picts, we seems so close, but yet so far.. Somehow, I keep having this feeling u n I don't look compatible at all.. But why do I love u so much?

Somehow, I wanna move on! I wanna love someone else! I wanna run away from what that does not belong to me! I JUST DONT WANNA LOVE U ANYMORE! Cos as u said, we r impossible! And I don't wanna lose u! Not even just as a friend, but I just can't stop thinking abt the past, because u made up the majority of my memories in the past! There r far too many to let go of! And I am someone who don't let go of memories easily.. I still can remember so much about us.. How we met, where we first met, wad we did, the fish and co treat, the badminton game, the macdonald studies, the times we went shopping, the way u encouraged me to try out para cos I am interested but don't have the courage, the movies, the chats... Alot more! And I just can't throw them away.. My trash bin is full in my memory..

I... I just can't.. Let u go~
Somebody save me!!

What I mean fuck off... Easy... Fuck, and go off like nobody's business...

Most guys I know r like that... They dun care how the girl feels... Ok.. There r girls who wanna be fucked... SO?! Not all girls are.. Even if they agree..

Girls usually agree to a sexual intercourse to a guy because they love him... They were hoping by giving that desire of the guys, they will get the desire of theirs. Which is to be loved even more... but thats not the case for most... Guys go after a girl mainly for their body... Once a girl let a guy gets it too early, game over... The guy is most probably not interested in the girl anymore...

This happened to many ppl around me... Most, got hurt real badly.. but they didn't say it... They just secretly hide this truth, and cry to themselves for being silly...

Why must guys hurt girls this way? Do you guys know that, to u, sex might just b a few mins (or maybe even hour(s) of fun), but to girls, they'll remember it for long (some even for life)... Its their natural instinct to rmb these (painful memories)... BUT to you guys, its just FUN! FUCK U!

Don't mix Love & Sex... Sex is a process that last just a few mins (or maybe hours), but love is a feeling that SHOULD last for a long time... (as what ppl say, easy to love, hard to forget) If love is sex, and sex is love, then too bad for u, you haven't gone through LOVE.. Those are just lust.. lust for sex... People to not Fuck to Love... You should not give your body to anyone (even guys) just to get more love! You should Love to Fuck (not saying that you'll Love Fucking), meaning you must first LOVE, then FUCK!!!

Guys, if you cannot promise the love the girl wants, don't fuck them even if they ask u to... Guys will think, I HAVE NO LOST!! CB YOU! Fuck You, understand?

What I wanna say is simple... DO NOT MIX LOVE AND SEX... I don't wan another of my friends around me get hurt... I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!

Fuck and go... Think wad? Macdonalds?

I am unique.. But I don't deny, I am a weirdo... My friends say so.. Some girls think so.. Why? Cos I am different..

Some girls complains that guys dun understand girls.. But have they tried to look around for guys whom really understands them? Many guys understands girls, but chose to ignore... As for me, I just used what I understand and know, to treat girls... But the more you seem like u understand girls, the more girls find u a weirdo.. Most of the time, these 'weirdos' becomes more of a confidant... Someone who is more like a very good friend, like a brother.. Someone whom girls can speak to, can talk to.. That's all, I guess..

I love taiwan dramas.. But honestly, I have never liked the endings... Its always the guy who put in the most effort that loses.. And the guy that hurts the girl again and again wins... It's so unfair.. I know.. Love cannot be forced.. It cannot be measured by how much effort one put in.. It doesn't work that way.. It doesn't mean I put in effort, she must love me... But, it appears that these 'weirdos' doesn't even stand the second...

People say I am childish, say I know too much, say I am weird... Initially, I wanna change... I wanna conform... I wanna b 'normal' in their eyes.. I wanna be able to get attention of girls, so that I can at least jio them... BUT after so much of 'emoing', I have decided... I wanna be myself.. Someone in this world is made for me... Someone in this world will accept me for who I am..

I used to laugh alot.. Used to be so cheerful.. Slowly, this becomes a mask, to hide those true feelings inside.. Slowly, everything becomes a habit, not my trueself... So, what am I? How am I supposed to act? Everything about myself seems so far.. I could barely remember anything anymore... All I can remember is how to act, cos thats what I have been doing.. What is my trueself like? Its so vivid now...

If life can restart from a certain point, I wanna restart from Sept 2006... When I was in Singapore Poly.. I guess, thats where my mask started to b on... I wanna change the fact that I jioed Cheryl... I wanna b my usual loner.. One who can travel around alone and not feel lonely, one that can go shopping alone and have lots of fun, one that can resist the temptation to smoke.. One that have never seriously fall in love and get hurt.. One that have so much passion about Media nth in the world can stop him...

If not for her, I wouldn't pick up smoking, I wouldn't stop DJing to avoid her, I wouldn't put on a mask everyday to pretend I am fine... It's all because of her, that I am like this now.. Though seriously, I don't blame her, but all these changes, I can see for myself... I know when I changed, I know why I changed... I changed cos I love her, and she is my world.. Whatever she wanna do, I'll do it with her... But in the end... ... (though she is not the one who caused me the most pain..)

Yes, she changed me... Kind of waited for her for abt 8-9mths, and gave up... Not entirely, but somesort... Went for another girl, and never succeeded in relationships ever since... That is because I forced myself, to wanna be the guy that will never hurt any girls again... I wanna be the Mr. Perfect... But instead, I became this weirdo I am now... HAHA!!! *swipes tears* I am fine... really...

Seriously, I find myself wanting to know so much about girls, to the extend, I find myself kind of like one... When girls say, "I am fine.", they usually ain't... When girls say: "nothing", it means there is something, ask me more... When girls say I wanna be alone: "They wish someone will be there to hear them out, that will lend them a shoulder to cry on." I might be wrong... But I am speaking of majority...

I really dunno... I guess, I'll continue to be myself... No.. To find back my trueself... Slowly... Cos I don't wanna change just cos ppl says so!!

So what if I am childish? So what if I am weird? Whats so bad about me? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST TAKE A MIN, TO LOOK CLOSELY AT ME, AND SAY THAT "YOU ARE SPECIAL"?

Seriously, only Trybe said that to me... But to be honest.. If I ask you, list 5 words that comes across your mind when u think of me.. Can be Verb, or even nouns~ Can u even list the 5 words? I doubt so... Cos some words, will like to Lame, Weird, Stupid, Childish...

If you say I am negative, I'll say I am not... Cos Lame, Weird, Stupid, Childish- are praises to me.. Or rather, were... BECAUSE THATS WHO I AM!!!

Sorry for wasting your time reading this... I just wanna post my feelings out, after watching MVP Valentine, Hi My Sweetheart, & Autumn Concerto... I just wish, this weirdo, will become a normal guy again one day...

Cos, I AM SPECIAL! I... AM... FER... DY!!! I AM MYSELF!!!

Haha.. Feel better now... WHEW~ *sniff sniff*